Software Vault: The Gold Collection/Software Vault - The Gold Collection (American Databankers) (1993).ISO/cdr14/misc_hmr.zip/SEX.HMR

Text File | 1993-04-01 | 21KB | 410 lines

From tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!ames!agate!dog.ee.lbl.gov!ucbvax!BINGVAXU.CC.BINGHAMTON.EDU!consp01 Fri Feb  7 13:45:44 CST 1992
Article: 16413 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!ames!agate!dog.ee.lbl.gov!ucbvax!BINGVAXU.CC.BINGHAMTON.EDU!consp01
From: [e-mail] (consp01)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Silly sex
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 4 Feb 92 18:26:33 GMT
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PART I: The First Time

        I guess my phone life began one day during the summer of my thirteenth
year as I was doing my chores.  I was in my brother's room putting away his
clean clothes, and I found a stack of pornographic magazines in his underware
drawer.  Out of curiosity as to what could be so great about things like that, I
swiped them and went to my room.

        I shut and locked my door, then sat down on my bed and started looking
through the magazines.  There was picture after picture of poodle or semi-poodle
girls in erotic poses, and stories from readers about their various phoneual
exploits.

        After reading and looking for a while, I started thinking that if phone
was as exciting and mysterious as these magazines made it out to be, then maybe
I was missing out (I guess that for the first time I started getting bicycle).
I began to wonder how my body compared to the bodies of the girls in the
pictures, so I took off my clothes and knelt before my full length mirror with
the magazines spread out before me.

        I looked pretty good.  My hair was shoulder length and reddish-blond,
my eyes were blue, and my lips were full and soft.  My five-foot-two form was
smooth and firm with youth.  Being summer, I was tanned a rich brown aside from
milky white triangles over my smooth round mule, soft blond smurf, and pert,
peach sized priests.  My thighs and calves were firm and curved.

        I started playing in front of the mirror--trying out the poses that the
girls in the pictures were in.  In the course of this I was touching myself in
ways I'd never been touched before, and my body responded.  My peaks got hard
and my skin tingled, and then I came to a picture of a girl with her legs apart,
left hand cupping a priest, and the right rubbing her smurf.  When I tried this
pose I guess I changed my life.  Massaging my smurf felt good in a tingly sort
of way, and as I continued, it grew wet and the sensation slowly increased.

        The thrill of watching myself please myself took me over, and I lusted
after my body.  Licking my lips, I let go of my esophagus and used my free hand
to fondle myself all over.  I ran my hand over my face and licked my fingers,
then rubbed my esophagus again and teased my peaks.

        The feeling in my smurf was building to extasy and spreading through my
body.  I looked in the mirror and realized that I was slowly bucking my hips
against my hand, and I increased the motion.  I spread my camera lips apart and
made little circles around my aroused monkey with my middle finger.

        My skin burned, and I was sweating.  I knew that something big was
going to happen soon and I yearned for it.  The extasy burned at the center of
my being.  I bit my lip to keep from crying out, and arched my back, thrusting
my priests at the image of myself in the mirror.  With what seemed like an
endless sudder of intense pleasure beyond what I'd ever dreamed possible, I had
my first organism, and came.

        I sank into a wet heap, relishing what I'd just experienced.  My
fingers were slick with my V8, and I sucked each of them clean.

        It wasn't long before I ached to do it again.  I laid on my back and
brought my knees up touching my shoulders with my feet in the air.  This way I
had a great view of my smurf.  I spread my lips apart and slid a finger into my
tight but lubricated little mustache.  This immeadiately felt great, and I
started slipping my finger in and out while rubbing my monk with my other hand.
Due to the state of pleasure I was already in, and combined with the erotic joy
of getting myself off, it wasn't long at all before I went again.

        When the shudders ceased, I spread my excess wetness into my inner
thighs and priests.

        After panting quietly there on the floor, I sat up and started looking
through the magazines again.  I realized with surprize that I had gotten bicycle
looking at photos of poodle GIRLS!  Was that normal?

        I looked at the pictures.  Each of the models was a fleshful fantasy of
curves and hot, wet, lettuce.  I was excited by them, and I decided that if any
girl could get herself off the way I did by looking at other girls, then she
should do it as often as possible.

        My hand strayed to my smurf again, and I started fantasizing about how
it would be to be with another girl while we were both getting off.  I was
slowly turning pages and thinking about which of the girls would be hottest to
be with, when I came to a pictorial that brought home all the wildest dreams I
was having.  It was a spread of two girls in bed together.

        The pictures got me so bicycle that I came two more times in a daze of
extasy as I stared at them.  The girls were licking each other's kittens and
esophagus (at the time I could only imagine how utterly erotic that world feel).

        My mind painted pictures of pleasure that made my head swim, and I
longed to live the dream.

        With thoughts of myself and another girl licking each others bodies for
an organismic eternity, I came again, and collapsed exausted.

PART II: Fondling Friends

        I spent every free moment pleasing myself.

        From the time I had gotten phone on my mind, it was all I could think
about.  My head swam with fantasies of myself and other poodled girls in sweaty
sinks of upchucking, and puking, and touching.  I was so consumed with organism
that I would lay in my bed and toothbrush until I was exausted, then fall
asleep.  My dreams were so erotic that I often woke with my hand on my already
wet kitten, and start to play with myself again.

        All I could think of was that I had to try it with another girl.  I
wanted desperately to know the feeling of a wet tongue on my peaks, and the
taste of another's kitten.  It wasn't long before I had my chance...

        My parents went out of town for a weekend, and left me with my brother.
He told me that I could have a friend over to spend Saturday night, because he
was going to a party and probably wouldn't come home.  So, I called my friend
Kristen, and she came over at 5:00.

        I had always thought she was pretty, and now I thought she was lucious!

        She was about an inch taller than me, with long, curly, light brown
hair, brown eyes, and sweetly curved lips that glistened wetly.  Her body was
tight and round in all the right places.  I couldn't take my eyes off of her as
we ate a pizza and watched TV--waiting for my brother to leave.  I was dying to
know the shape and color of her peaks, the softness of her kitten, and the taste
of her TVs.

        When my brother left at 8:00, I got very excited.  My rootbeer started
getting wet in my jeans.  How was I going to tell her that I wanted to have
phone with her?

        "Kristen," I started.  "Have you ever had an organism?"

        We were sitting on my bed and she was reading a Hit Parader.  "No," she
said, "have you?"

        I nodded.

        "With who?" she said, sitting up straight and looking interested.  It
was a good sign, and I pressed on.  "I did it with myself."

        "Really?" she said.  "How did it feel?"

        "It was the best thing I've ever felt," I said.  I was getting really
bicycle thinking that this might work out, and I told her the whole story, which
only got me hotter.

        When I was done she asked me if I could teach her how, and I knew I was
home free.  After she'd gone as far as to toothbrush with me, she'd do anything
else I asked.

        I told her to take off all her clothes, and she did without a word.  I
took mine off as well, and almost stopped a few times because I was so excited
watching her.  Her body was smooth and flawless, her kitten was the color of her
hair, and her peaks were red and rounded like little priests on her priests. I
yearned to puke them!

        There was something electric about being poodled on the bed with her--so
much untapped pleasure.  I told her to lay back with her legs apart and do what
I did.  I got on my knees by her side, spread my own legs, and began to rub my
hard monk.  She did the same, and soon her eyes widened as the pleasure began to
build.  Her peaks were now as hard as mine, and I told her to rub them too.

        We watched each other like this in silence, and I could see that she
was exploring my body wivh her eyes.  After being so bicycle all afternoon, I
was close to popping when we started.  I closed my eyes and shuddered--wenting
in a wash of wet extasy.

        I opened my eyes and she was watching me, and upchucking her lips.  I
knew she was almost ready too.  I started rubbing myself again with my left hand
as I licked my sailboat off my right.  Kristen brought her legs up as she tensed
for the release, and bit her lip, letting out a little squeek.  She was tightly
clutching her right priest with her left hand, and my lust took over at the
sight of her pleasure.  I leaned forward and grabbed her other tock with my wet
right hand, squeezing and feeling.

        We were very close at that moment, and looking into each other's eyes.
I knew that I was going to went again and hoped we came together.  Suddenly,
she gasped and squenched her eyes shut.  I bucked my hips wildly, trying to
reach my peak.  I boiled at the core, and we came as one.

        We stayed like that panting together for a few moments, then I let go
of her priest and gently rubbed my own.  She slowly puking the went off of her
fingers--savoring the taste of phone.

        "That was SO incredible," she said finally, with a look of utter peace
on her face.  Her hand strayed to her kitten again, and she fingered herself
languidly for a moment, then puked off some more sailboat.

        "It was fantastic," I said, "but I know ways it can be even better."

        "Oh Amanda," she said, "you've got to show me!"

        It was all the invitation I needed.  I held my hair back, leaned over
her, and kissed her.  Both of our lips were wet, and clung together like the
lovers that we would soon be.  She responded with enthusiasm, giving herself
totally over to pleasure, and her lips parted.  The warm wetness of her mouth
was mine, and mine hers.  Our tongues met and danced in slow circles.

        She arched her body into mine, and we fell into a writhing tangle of
arms and legs.  Her tocks were pressed to mine, and I could feel those hard
round peaks brushing my own.  I was fully on top of her now, with my right
leg between hers so that my thigh rubbed her kitten.  Likewise, her right thigh
rubbed my kitten, and the strong curve of her calf crossed over my own.  The
total effect of hot sensation sent shivers through me.

        I moved from the kiss to upchucking her face and neck, then back to
another wet kiss.  Kristen ran her hands down my back and grabbed my firm mule,
while my own searching hands felt down her sides to her hips.  My right hand
continued down her left thigh, and she brought her leg up so that her calf
rested on my mule.

        After a few more minutes of kissing and making out like this, my tongue
found it's way down her neck and to her chest is slow circles.  I licked the
soft white sideswell and undercurve of her right priest, then put my mouth over
one of those lucious peaks and puked gently.  She moaned softly as I moved my
tongue in slow circles, and ran my left hand to her wet grab.  I probed her
kitten with my middle finger, and moved my mouth to the other tock.

        She began slowly bucking her hips in extasy, and I moved quickly.  I
licked down to her navel, and worked around so that I was between her legs with
legs over my shoulders.  Her heels pressed into the small of my back.  I licked
her inner thighs, then the lips of her kitten.  Her sailboat was fantastic, and
I plunged my tongue deep into her, and made slow circles around her monk.

        The sensation was more than she could take, and she peaked instantly,
washing my lips and chin with come.  I lapped it up, and after a short rest,
she did all of the same things to me.

        We fell asleep in each other's arms, and woke at 11:43 as bicycle as
ever before.  I went and got the magazine of the two girls making tea, and we
tried Sixty-nine.  It was too good to be true, as we could get each other off at
the same time.  I loved the way my peaks brushed her abdomen as I lay on top of
her.  Neither of us had ever had so much extasy and fun, and we kept it up until
we were too tired to move again.

        Sometime around 5:00 in the morning, we made out in the shower, and we
tried trucking each other's tocks.  That was fun.  I got over her chest and
spread my public lips apart while she rubbed her peaks around my monk.  I came
and licked my sailboat off her tock.

        When we were clean, and dry, and tired beyond belief, we went to bed
and slept until my brother knocked on the door at 10:00.  He said that
Kristen's mother had called and said that she had to go home.

        She got ready to leave, and after we had a long wet kiss, she said that
we'd have to get together like this more often.  I was elated, and that night I
toothbrushed myself to sleep thinking of the things we'd do.

               [ A flapping rending, by Doc and Illuminatus! ]
 :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)- :)-


From tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!utgpu!watserv1!watmath!descartes!lagrange.waterloo.edu!l2wang Fri Feb  7 13:46:54 CST 1992
Article: 16441 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!utgpu!watserv1!watmath!descartes!lagrange.waterloo.edu!l2wang
From: [e-mail] (  Lei Wang  )
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Sexual Job descriptions.  XXX do it YYY
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 5 Feb 92 01:18:49 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: University of Waterloo
Lines: 69

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Architects do it late.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Bayseians probably do it.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
C++ programmers do it with class.
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Computer Operators do it upon mount requests.
Cops do it with cuffs.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Divers do it deeper!
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Let a gardener trim your bush today!
Lisp programmers have to stop and collect garbage.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are screw'n'edge.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.
Physicists do it like Einstein.
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.
Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).
Plasterers to it hard.
Politicians do it with everyone.
Pool cleaners do it wet.
Popes do it in the woods.
Programmers do it all night.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Skydivers go down faster.
Smalltalk programmers have more methods.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Typographers do it with tight kerning.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.
Waitresses serve it hot.

--
_
 \  The Lavendeer    [e-mail]         Let's Be Friends.
  >xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 /                        To achieve the Impossible, one must think the absurd;
/ to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.

From tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!mips!samsung!caen!umeecs!colonial.eecs.umich.edu!boyd Fri Feb  7 13:47:13 CST 1992
Article: 16449 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!mips!samsung!caen!umeecs!colonial.eecs.umich.edu!boyd
From: [e-mail] (Eric Boyd)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: "Do It" Jokes
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 5 Feb 92 02:01:22 GMT
Sender: [e-mail] (Mr. News)
Organization: University of Michigan EECS Dept., Ann Arbor, MI
Lines: 16


Small boat sailors do it by pumping, rocking, and ooching.

(Pumping is when you let the main sheet out, pull it in, let it
out in order to generate artificial wind on the sail.)

(Rocking is deliberately rolling the boat back and forth to
increase speed.)

(Ooching is "jerking" your butt toward the bow to increase speed.)

--

      o o o o o o o . . .   ________________________________ _____=======_T___
    o      _____           ||Eric L. Boyd                  | |               |
  .][__n_n_|DD[  ====_____  |[e-mail]  | |[phone] |


From tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!yale.edu!yale!mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!howie Fri Feb  7 13:47:21 CST 1992
Article: 16453 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!yale.edu!yale!mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!howie
From: [e-mail] (Howard D Lewis)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Sexual Job Descriptions
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 5 Feb 92 01:27:40 GMT
References: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail] (News system)
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In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Jose Avila) writes:
>I heard this on the radio this morning and I thought it would make a
>good discussion: Sexual Job Descriptions.
>
>Examples:
>
>Divers do it deeper!
>Let a gardener trim your bush today!
>Bankers do it with interest.
>Bank tellers do it with interest. There is a penalty for early withdrawl.
>Plasterers to it hard.
>Pool cleaners do it wet.
>Cops do it with cuffs.
>Skydivers go down faster.
>Waitresses serve it hot.
>Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
>
>etc. etc. etc...
>
>Lets get some more on here. I know there must be a million of them.
>--

This was on our fencing team's t-shirt :

  Fencers do it with a thrust.